My friend always posts party photos. How do I tell her to stop?

There are certain social media rules we can all agree on: Ghosting a conversation is impolite, and replying “k” to a text is the equivalent of a backhand slap (violent, wrong, and rude). But what about the rest of the rules? When is it really okay to remind someone of our old Venmo request? What happens when someone tries to flirt with you on LinkedIn?

Fortunately, terminally online writers Delia Cai and Steffi Cao are here to answer all of your digital quandaries, big or small. Welcome to Fast Company’s advice column, Posting Playbook. This week, Delia tackles your biggest questions about group photos and the correct way to invite people to an event. 

When I spend a night out with my friends, we always follow the rule where everyone shares all the photos they took in the group chat. But there’s one friend who then sort of “steals” the best shots and puts them on her Instagram before the rest of us can. It doesn’t seem fair, because then the rest of us can’t post those photos ourselves. Is there a subtle way to ask her to stop doing this? 

Regrettably, I have committed this exact faux pas before. What should we call it? Photojacking? Postlifting? A few summers ago, I was on vacation with two friends, and one of them made a point of making sure we were taking nice photos together and that everyone had access to said images with a shared album. It was very thoughtful! I remember when she shared two particular pics of us together by the pool, and I put them out on Instagram almost immediately. 

It was sort of like if this friend had spent all this time and energy baking a beautiful cake—and right as she was taking it out of the oven, I waltzed into the kitchen and helped myself to an obnoxiously large slice. It was thoughtless, though not necessarily out of malice. If I were to be totally honest, I was too excited about the idea of posting a great pic to even consider my friend’s feelings. (You might call this “being superficial,” and you would not be wrong.)

Similarly, I’m guessing your friend isn’t “stealing” all the best shots to post on her Instagram out of some calculated attempt to upset you or anyone else in the group; it’s likely that she (as was I) is a little unaware of how annoying it is to be on the other side—left with the B-string options and the “Repost” button. It’s clear she cares deeply about her social media and that she appreciates the photos, so the good thing is that you now know that these things are important to her. Lead with that going into the conversation—and know that yes, talking about Instagram etiquette might feel embarrassing in the moment, because who wants to quibble about “posting” and “stealing photos,” but your annoyance is still valid. 

Tell your friend that you know social media is important to her, but that you (or whoever the original taker of these photos may be—think of it as a matter of basic photo crediting and ownership) would love the chance to properly look at the pics for say, a couple of hours, before anyone posts them. That’ll get her to at least slow her roll, which should open up room for you and the others to “claim” which photos you each want to post before she hits the ’gram. If she doesn’t get that hint, there’s no actual law that says you have to share pics in the group chat immediately. It is good manners, but not if someone is taking advantage of all that generous Airdropping!

I’ve noticed that I’m getting a lot of pseudo “invites” via Instagram Story posts on people’s Close Friends. I guess that’s flattering to be considered a Close Friend, but why do I feel like they don’t really mean it? Shouldn’t an invitation to a birthday party feel more, I don’t know, direct?

Ah, the Close Friends Story invite! To me, this format of invitation connotes a “I don’t really care, do you?” vibe from the host. If you’re publicizing an event—like a closet sale, or a fundraiser, or a reading, say—that way, it makes sense because you’re probably trying to cast a wide net of potential attendees. 

But for something more intimate like a birthday party or Friendsgiving, I would also personally expect a direct invitation, whether it’s via text message, email, or even another godforsaken Partiful link. There is some intentionality communicated if you’re on the Close Friends list and can see the invite in the first place, but to me, that’s usually not enough. It’s very “you can come if you want,” which is an unexciting headspace for anyone to occupy. 

Don’t you, the host, want your guests to feel a little bit special when you’re inviting them to something? Or at least, for planning purposes, wouldn’t you want a way for guests to formally confirm their RSVP? A coolly disinterested Close Friends post that assumes your friends 1) are online enough to see it, 2) are enthusiastic enough to screenshot the invite, and 3) are going to attend without ever directly interacting with you first is . . . a tall order. Maybe it works for some folks, but you and I are in agreement that it’s kind of lackluster! 

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